Sunday, October 28, 2012

The 99

On a quiet night like tonight, I thought I'd watch key notes from the Allume conference.
One speaker, Sarah Mae, said something that made me stand still. Perhaps it will shake you to the core, too.
I had one friend who observes my blog say, "Wow, your life is so full, so fun."
And it is.
But at the same point, my life is slow.
Or at least, it has slowed down.
For the past two years,since my husband's accident/rehab/surgery/rehab/job training/etc I have been running at a frenetic pace. 
I once described my life to my sister as "a runaway shopping cart that I've almost got a grip on."
And then, just as suddenly, things changed. 
The shopping cart stopped. 
I stopped.
And I stood in the parking lot, so to speak.
I was still.

I caught up on my laundry. 
I taught my children chores and order so that we have our house clean in 40 minutes and can spend all day playing and learning.
I said 'no' to a million different things because I felt God leading me to put some good things away to make room for the best things.
I was still.

Two years of busy means that you don't do anything exceptionally well. It means you let things slide.
It means you tell the disappointed eyes of your child that "you are doing the very best you can" and know that even at your best, you completely miss the mark.
And it hurts.
And that kind of hurt leaves scars.

Now that I have time, I see the scars that two years of busy has left on my children's character and heart. I hear it, I see it and I cringe.
Words I never wanted to see my children speak tumble out of their mouth.
Attitudes I promised I would never let into our home have become commonplace.
Behaviour I said would never be present begs to be disciplined several times a day.
I have time now.
I am still.
And I see it all.

Listening to Sarah Mae today made me hear the story of a woman who let herself become consumed with busyness. At first, I thought, "I didn't let myself get busy. I HAD to be busy. Our family was in survival mode." 
But that is just an excuse.
The truth is that I let myself be busy. It's easier to blame busyness than to take ownership of how you feel or what you see happening around you. It's easy to blame than it is to bring correction and change to situations.

Sarah Mae talked about the busyness consuming her life and how she was praying for a chance for it to change and how God started to bring that about. She shared that someone was preaching on how "Jesus left the 99 sheep to save the one lost lamb."
God spoke to Sarah Mae's heart and said, "The one is your daughter. You need to leave ministering to the masses and go capture your daughter's heart."

This thought struck me hard.
My one is also my daughter. 
I have her obedience.
I have her loyalty.
But I know that I do not have her heart.

Most of my blogging has shown the various fun things of learning that I do with my children each day.
And there is plenty of that.
But right now, the majority of my time with my eldest daughter is spent working on developing and changing her character.
It's character that has been formed by two years of believing that I was too busy.

Today as I worked with her on some of our present difficulties, I felt God urge me to write about them here.
I ignored it.
I thought, "No way. I'm not into airing my laundry to everyone."
Then I wondered if I could  share things in a way that wouldn't compromise my daughter or embarrass her.
The Lord spoke softly and said, "Share the ideas I am giving you, not the incidents."
I've been hemming and hawing all day.
Until I heard Sarah Mae speak about the 99.

 I know something...
Because I have been guilty of being a BUSY homeschool mom, I know that their are homeschool moms out there who have been running and chasing things that have made themselves busy. 
Busy, busy, busy.
And somebody needs to remind them to STOP.
Stand still.
Leave the 99 for awhile. They'll be okay without you. It may be hard to leave them, but go.
Seek out the one heart in your home that needs you to be their safe place.
Jesus came back to the 99 with the one.
So will you. 
So will I.
But for now, with all your might, chase after the one.

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