What James 4:1-2 means to mediation

This morning was a stormy one.

Not outside, but inside.

It's been awhile since we've had any flare ups in our house. I'm not sure if it's that we're really learning how to do Mediated Learning in our house or if it's been because we've been busy playing outside as much as possible and therefore everyone's too happy and too pre-occupied to get into a row.

Whatever the case, it's been a while since any major attitude has happened at our house.

The scripture that I have written on our chalkboard door in the kitchen is James 4:1-2.

What causes quarrels and fights among you? Don't they come from your desires within you. You want something and you don't get it.

This scripture has been on our wall for over a month. I've had many opportunities to meditate on it. And as I have, I've been approaching these blow-ups with a much different attitude.

I'm asking myself questions now.

Questions like: What am I wanting right now? What are they wanting right now? Are either of us being selfish?

It changes the whole dynamics of an argument when you ask these questions.

Today was a clash over grammar.

We have a great grammar book we work through. It has 4 sentences you write out and then you are done. Done for the day.

It's short, it's sweet and to the point.

My eldest had plans to go play in the yard. I asked her to first do her grammar lesson.

I have a desire. She has a different desire. Clash!

Normally, it's a quick conversation and she hops to it.

Today, she was adamant in wanting to go out and play.

I asked her to self-regulate.

She refused.

I applied a consequence.

The stormy exchange upgraded from a f2 to an f3.

I then asked her where she thought our conversation was headed: are you going to storm out of here or are you going to sit down and we'll talk this through?

She stopped and crossed her arms.

More consequences are applied if you storm out, I say.

She sits on the bench. "We'll talk. But you never listen."

I know this trick. This is a trick for me to say, "What do you mean I never listen," and then I would list all the times that I do.

But I'm wise to it now.

I know it's a trick. (I've used it myself a time or two)

I reply, "I'm ready and willing to listen now. Are you?"

She nods imperceptibly.

"So, what was that tirade all about?"

"I want to go outside. I don't want to do grammar."

"What is it about grammar that you don't like?"

"It's boring. It's the same thing, day after day."

I weigh what she says and decide I want to clarify something.

We discuss the relevance of doing the same thing day after day, the importance of habits and the role daily discipline plays.

"Is it that you don't like creating a habit?"

"No. It's just boring. I know how to do all of it."

"So, you don't find it challenging?"

"No. It's so easy."

We discuss the option of moving ahead in the book.

She expresses that she really enjoys doing every single page in a book.

I leave the decision up to her.

"Well, looks like you have a choice. You can jump ahead to a more challenging part or you can do every single lesson. But once you decide, you need to stick with the decision."

I leave her some time to think.

She whines for a bit and expresses how she hates to write.

I remind her that I know she hates to write but this is the compromise we've come to. A few minutes every day to establish a habit of writing. Four sentences. We're doing it to build up the habit of writing.

Out come the excuses.

My hand gets sore.

I hate to write.

Writing is stupid.

I'm bored.

This is another discussion for another day, because I just can't mediate it all today.

"What is your decision for right now?"

"I want to do harder stuff."

She works on it.

It's sloppy.

I look at it and say, "Is this your best?"

"It's decent," she says.

I look her in the eye. "Do it again."

She frowns, but she knows. She's been lazy.

She grabs the pen and writes the words again.

The last word she writes all over the page.

"Is that your best?"

She grabs the pen and writes it small, in capital letters.

"Is it supposed to be in capital letters?"

"Fine," she grabs the pen again and writes the word. "I'm done," she announces, "whether it's right or not."

I look at it. "Well, look at that. It is done right."

She tries to hide a smile.

"This exercise took a half hour. You normally do this in less than 10 minutes. What made this drag on forever?"sets of

She looks at her page.

"I had to write everything out again and again."

"Right. So, is being accurate important?"

"I guess."

"Why is it important?"

"Because if you aren't accurate you waste time and can't play outside."

"Right."

We bridge accuracy to other areas in our life.

As she scampers off out doors, I think back to James 4:1-2 " What causes quarrels and fights among you? Don't they come from your desires within you. You want something and you don't get it."

Both my daughter and I had desires--mine was for her grammar lesson to be done, hers was to go outside. If we had both forced and demanded that our desire be done, this wouldn't have gone well. Instead, we sat down and worked through what the issues were. And in the end, we both got what we wanted. The grammar was finished. She went outside.

Writing is still a prickly issue here, but we're working through it. Not every mediation situation ends where you are holding hands, feel your hearts are closer and there's the song "Friends Forever" playing in the background.

Sometimes, you are leaving on good terms but knowing that the situation has room for more.

This is just another step in mediation.

Mediating: challenge, self-regulation

Volcano Self-Regulation

I've talked before about volcanoes and how they have provided great illustration for my family to understand the power of emotions.

We've been working with our eldest on self-regulating her emotions. We have used the comic strip approach to help her with her emotions but found that she didn't like it or didn't relate to it very well.

So, out comes another volcano.

When talking with my daughter about self-regulation, I brought up some incidents that had happened in the past week.

First there is the GREEN LEVEL.

Green represents being in a new situation (ie. over a t a friend's house, playing with a toy, etc.)

Then there is YELLOW LEVEL.

Something negative happens (ie. don't get your own way, someone says something impolite)

Then there is the ORANGE LEVEL.

Negative emotions build, feeling anxious or start to feel out of control.

(ie. Nobody's listen to me, What's happening ? How dare they?!)

Then there is RED LEVEL

Exploding negative emotions (ie. angry words, insults, hitting, etc.)

My daughter and I went through the different levels of emotions that happened in three seperate instances. One scenario was very volatile and the other two were mild in expression.

I had her identify what happened at each stage. I did this to help her see that she just doesn't "explode". It's a gradual build-up (albeit sometimes quickly) of emotions that leads to a blow up.

Now when I see her heading for a Volcano situation, I ask her, "What zone are you at right now? Yellow or Orange?"

She's learning to answer me, although she does ignore me sometimes as she's focused on "being right" and not on calming down. I have found that it helps to remove her from the situation, if she does ignore me the first time.

Sometimes, I will simply say, "You are heading towards the red zone. Quick, what do you need to do to get back to green."

We've worked on different ways that she can calm down and bring her emotions back to a neutral place.

We're learning this together and I've found it helps me learn to identify when I'm heading for a crazy blow-up. And my kids are quick to say, "Whoa, Mom, you are in the RED zone."

I used to be embarrassed about that. Embarrassed that my temper was out of control. But now, as I'm allowing God to teach me to control myself, I realize that this is modeling faith to my kids. They see I'm not perfect. They see me stumble. They see me apologize for wrong behavior and they gather round and pray with me as we ask God for strength to go forward together....back to green (zone) pastures.

Criteria focus: self regulation

Peace in the Time of War

"Stop hitting your sister!"

"That's enough! Quit talking rudely."

On and on it goes, lately.

What to do with all that bickering?

I have been using the Young Peacemaker guide book to help my children understand conflict. This is an excellent resource for families.

We are going through the guide slowly (which means, I am still on lesson one after three months of using this book). Anyway, the Young Peacemaker has a great illustration:

It's the Slippery Slope.

We've talked about this slope extensively. And wouldn't you know it? I have one child who likes to use the ESCAPE approach when confronted with conflict. The other uses ATTACK mode.

We've had a lot of discussions about this and how it makes each person feel.

We're working on using peacemaking solutions.

Now when I hear the fighting or the bickering commence, I usually have to say, "What slope are you on?"

I usually hear one of the kids say, "Slippery Slope!"

"And what are you going to do?"

Sometimes they answer and say, "Get back to solid ground and work it out."

And sometimes they pretend they didn't hear me as they sit on their sibling and give them a "snake bite" arm burn.

I have to believe that at some point....SOME POINT....they will truly catch on to this whole concept of being a Peace maker. I am undeterred.

In the mean time, you won't want to meet them in a back alley on a dark night. Not unless you want some serious snake bites.

Criteria Focus: Self-Regulation

The Power of "When I was Little"...

We've been working on empathy at our house lately.

We're having some discussions on thinking about others and learning tact.

One thing that I've found really helpful is telling stories about when I was little.

I marvel at how much my kids want to hear about mistakes I made, how I felt when someone said or did something to me, and any kind of crazy story about childhood.

So, my little ML tip for today is to include stories of your history to your children.

ML Criteria focus: sense of belonging

Self-Regulation: MacGyver style

We decided to go through all of the girls clothes.

Let me just preface this little story by saying that we have LOADS of hand me downs from four different cousins who have great taste in clothing. I also have little space in which to keep it all, so it's packed in the garage and brought out whenever the current wardrobe is looking ho-hum, too small and has holes in the knees of every pair of pants they own.

My eldest really likes her jeans and her dinosaur shirt. And her red and blue shirt.

And that's it.

Bring out the mediated tool box to understand the 'WHY' behind her preferences.

We have a little discussion as to why she only likes certain clothing and it boils down to texture. There are just some things that really irritate her skin and cause her to feel tight, itchy or prickly.

I can relate. It's why I'm a blue jeans girl for 90% of my week.

We also talk about the benefits of play clothes vs. "town clothes". (INTENTIONALITY AND RECIPROCITY, BRIDGING, MEANING)

Town clothes are for wearing out of the house when we will be seen by the public.

I want my kids to be comfortable in what they wear and presentable. (ie. No holes in the knees, no shirts that have been stained with everything from the fridge and art cupboard over the last 6 months).

We share with the girls that we are going to go through the mountain of clothes and determine which ones we keep, which ones we save for later and which ones we give away.

Everyone's on board. The mission is a "go."

Until....

dunh,dunh,dunh....

I hold up the pink cardigan sweater.

A stream of angry words erupts out of my oldest and she says that she is not putting on the "ugly, horrible, pink pukey sweater."

She crosses her arms and glares at me.

Normally, this behaviour would throw me for a loop and I'd scramble on how I was going to handle/discipline/understand the situation.

But I have tools now.

Mediating tools.

I look Anne in the eye and say, "A little self-regulation here?"

She turns her shoulder to me and glares straight ahead.

And then I ask that all important question, "What's going to happen if you don't self-regulate?"

Her shoulders lose their defiant slump and she mumbles the word, "Consequence."

"Right. So, what do you need to do right now?"

She rolls her eyes and sighs. "Self-regulate."

"OK, you tell me when you are ready and then we'll try on this sweater."

The temper raises a bit with the words, "I don't want to try on that sweater."

"We can talk about that once you self-regulate and apologize for the way you just spoke."

The air crackles with potential explosion, but then the potential bomb of anger is diffused and my eldest sighs and says, "Ok. I'm sorry for how I spoke to you, Mom. And I'm ready to talk about the sweater."

I sat there a little stunned.

We've been working on the self-regulation criteria concept for two weeks now. I mean, daily conversations with tons of bridging examples.

I was beginning to wonder if it was making a dent into our lives. I was beginning to doubt god's ability to use Mediated Learning as the tool to help my eldest and I stop butting heads.

Normally, we have quite a show when the temper is flaring and change is happening.

But just now...

that potential bomb was diffused, mere moments before explosion.

Rather Macgyver-like if you ask me.

We both stared at each other for a moment.

"I forgive you." I catch her eyes with mine, "Come give us a squinch?"

She wrinkles her nose as if to say, 'you know I don't like that saying.'

I know she doesn't, but I say it anyway.

She knows I will always say it.

It's our joke.

She ambles towards my open arms and and flops her arms around me in a hug.

I look up into her intense green eyes, "I think you can give a better hug than that."

She squeezes me with all her might.

I wrinkle my nose as if to say, 'you know I don't like that.'

She knows that, but she does it anyway.

I know she will always do it.

It's our joke.

I pull her down on my lap and using the Asking Questions technique, I say, "So, tell me ,what is it exactly that makes you hate this' pink, pukey sweater?' "

She giggles at my use of her words and opens up about her reasons.

We talk it all out and she tries it on.

It's not her favourite sweater and she doesn't want to wear it all the time, but she admits that it will keep her warm in winter.

I ask her if we can find an Optimistic Alternative. We discuss it and decide to wear it on Sundays only, but not two Sundays in a row.

She folds the sweater and puts it into the "town clothes" pile. I tug on her hand and say, "Hey you. I'm very proud of you right now. Let's look at what just happened here: Mom introduced some changes that you weren't expecting (introducing new garments into her wardrobe), you reacted wildly and then made a good choice to self-regulate, you apologized and kept a good attitude while we tried on the rest of the clothing, and you made a great decision about this sweater. How do you feel?"

She looks at me with a beaming smile. "I feel like I want to try on those black pants."

I feel like we've just left off in a place of success.

Criteria Focus: self-regulation, optimistic alternative

ummm.... I may have created a monster

My kiddos have really taken off with this whole STRATEGIZING bit.

Remember the planning we've done here and here. (Not to mention all the other times we've spent time planning but not blogged about it.)

Well it's come back to bite me.

Sorta.

Lemme explain.

We are going out of town until Sunday morning and have needed to get our costumes ready for the fall festival happening at our church later in the afternoon.(I don't believe in running around last minute screaming, "I can't find my eye patch! I can't find my pirate eye patch!!!)

So I casually mentioned the need to prepare our costumes ahead of time.

WHILE. I. WAS. AWAY....

Insert every mother saying: while the cat's away the mice will play.

Except instead of the word play, use the word plan.

Which then turns into a weird adage that has me being referred to as a can.

Get it?

While the cat's a can, the mice will plan.

Blogger, aside to herself: Nobody gets my sense of humour. Nobody. Sigh. Dramatic hand to the forehead.

While I was away, my kids came up with a plan.

In fact, they executed the whole costume scheme on their own.

"See? Look Mom. We found all the parts that we need for our costumes. Then we collected them and gathered them into this box. We'll keep the box here in our room, so when we get back home the costumes are in one spot and we can just grab them and go."

I think my jaw hit the ground with an audible sound.

"Really?" I asked. "Lemme see."

They showed me all parts of the outfits, the accessories and the shoes to go with it. Everything they needed was there.

They did it all by themselves.

Planned, strategized and then executed the whole plan.

I was so proud of them.

This made something else become very apparent....

I need to go away more often! :P

Criteria focus: Goal Planning

Left in a place of Success

As we are dealing with my husband's injury, a few challenges have arisen.

First, is that our daily routine is out the window.

I'm not an anal routine follower. But, like most people, I like when things have a certain order and comfortability to things. That's a distant memory it seems.

Then there is the sleep issue.

My husband has been waking up many times in the night in pain. I wake up with him.

When I awake in the morning, I am a grumpy bear.

Grunting or barking orders at all family members.

I put up this little reminder on my chalkboard door:

LEAVE CHILDREN IN A PLACE OF SUCCESS

Being sleep deprived I found I would easily get frustrated with them, couldn't understand why simple concepts weren't being grasped, wondering why they were barking back at me (surely, they haven't learned it from me???!?)

I wrote the note on the board so that I would be reminded that if I started to get frustrated to just end the session in a place of success.

Where our life is right now, is not the time to push on through tough areas. I just don't have the time to invest working through the cognitive issues.

And while I know this will only last another week more, I can put aside the feeling that I must make my child learn this now.

So, instead of sighing, I started smiling and saying, "Way to go, Champ. We're stopping here today. Proud of you."

Later in the afternoon, I was running back into the house for the fourth time wondering if I forgot anything else. I felt weary, worn, and frustrated by my brain not thinking as fast as it normally does.

I came close to tears. "Please God. Help me. I'm trying. I really am. It's taking all my energy not to yell at my kids right now because I'm tired and irritated by every noise they make. I just came in here to take a deep breath and calm down."

And then softly and gently, like only my Heavenly Father can, I heard Him softly say, "Way to go, Champ. Let's stop here today and take that breath. I'm proud of you for not losing your temper."

God is the perfect parent and we can follow his lead and leave our kids in a place of success.

I changed my blackboard door. It now reads:

Criteria Focus: Challenge

Planning a party

OK, so the photo in this essay is sideways. My on-again/off-again relationship with iPhoto continues as I wonder why it won't turn my pictures sideways for me. In the mean time, you get to crane your neck and squint and try and see what I've written on the page.

Aren't you excited to read this post?

OK, so the haphazard photo above indicates the planning that my eldest daughter and I did for her 8th birthday party. I sat her down and we discussed how we were going to plan the party. I asked questions the entire time.

What do you want to do at your party? What do you want to eat? What things are usually found at a birthday party? What kind of party favours? What kind of decorations? etc, etc, etc.

She planned out her whole party. I just took notes and made the odd suggestion here and there.
We talked about her different ideas and how we could remain within budget while we shopped for all of the different parts of the party.

Then I taught her how to spread out this major undertaking over a week's worth of time.

We talked over all the elements of her party and decided a day to do certain activities on. We also knew that we would be in town all day Friday and unable to do anything at home for preparation of the party and we factored this in.

Our conversation went something like this:

"Ok, you have listed a few games here. What do we need to do to prepare the games?"

"I could gather the materials for them and put them in a box. Set them aside until Saturday."

"Great idea. What day would you like to do that on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday?"

"Wednesday."

I wrote that down in our action list under WEDNESDAY.

"What about decorations? You have listed here that you want streamers and balloons."

"I found yellow streamers in the art cupboard but we need to get orange streamers and some balloons."

"Ok, when do you want to decorate?"

"Well, we can't Friday because we're in town. So maybe, Thursday?"

"Thursday sounds good, but we need to get the balloons and streamers. When do you want to buy them?"

"Wednesday."

We then assigned appropriate tasks for each day regarding the rest of the party.

My daughter was very proud of her plan.

We talked about the importance of breaking things down into bite size pieces and stretching them over a few days.

"What would it be like if we had to prepare everything on Saturday morning?"

"We wouldn't get to make my cake and there would be no decorations. Too much to do."

And then a few days later when I had left something to the last minute and ran around like a crazy woman thinking "why am I doing this at the last minute?" I was able to bridge it all together and my daughter saw why planning reduces STRESS!

Criteria focus: Goal Planning

Where do I leave my children??? Where do I leave myself??

During a recent ML workshop, Therese asked the parents, "What is success to you regarding your child?"

I loved the answers.

In particular, was a response that a mother gave us. She had taken her child out of school after several negative experiences. She shared with us the struggle it had been to even introduce subjects back into her daughters life because she related the subjects back to the negative experiences at school. She looked at us all as we sat around the living room and said proudly, "Success for me is that my daughter sits beside me the whole time while I read her a book."

I think we all wanted to cry and clap our hands.

This mom had made so much progress with her daughter.

And most importantly, she had left HERSELF and her child in a place of success.

Leaving your child in a place of success is all about cultivating an attitude that wants to continue learning.

How many days have you and your child thrown the math book in the drawer, with a frustration-laced voice saying, "Fine. We'll just do the rest tomorrow." ?

Tomorrow comes and we are inwardly groaning as our child is avoiding the time spent on math. If our children's last experience with the topic was an exasperated effort, why should we expect them to greet the next opportunity with overwhelming enthusiasm?

What would it mean to your child if when you saw them struggling, you went back to where they last had success and left the lesson there? How would it change the outlook on tomorrow's lesson? Would you have time to prepare for Mediating Challenge the next day if you left the lesson in a place of success?

Seems rather ironic, but to go forward, you need to step back.

If there is one lesson you can walk away with today, it's this:

LEAVE YOUR CHILD IN A PLACE OF SUCCESS

Criteria focus: Challenge

Mom, can you help me?

I'm often asked throughout the day, "Mom, can you help me with this?"

Those words should be a little alarm bell for a potential mediated learning moment.

Now, you can't mediate EVERY moment. You learn to pick and choose through out the day.

But if you are just getting started with the mediated process, then let these words be a CUE for you to be prepared to ask questions and have your child start working toward solution.

Today's example:

Word searches.

Word searches are currently my plan for spelling and geography. All the puzzles are about places, capitals, countries, etc.

Anyway, we eventually hit a snag and couldn't find a word.

"Mom, can you help me?"

"Sure. What's the problem?" (Process question)

"I can't find Burma."

"That's tricky. How do you spell Burma?"

"B-U-R-M-A"

"Are there any letters that stand out to you in that word?"

"Not really?"

"Do you see any smaller words inside that word?"

"Ma."

"Hmm, what do you think would happen if you looked just for 'm-a' throughout the word search?"

"I don't want to do that."

"Well, what do you think would happen?"

"I suppose I might find it. But it seems so hard." (CHALLENGE)

"Yes, word searches are tricky. But do you remember yesterday when you were trying to find CAMBODIA? (BRIDGING) What did you do?"

"I looked for the 'I-A' at the end of the word. But it took forever."

"Well, it did. But you know, you kept at it and wouldn't give up until you found it. And I know you'll do the same with Burma. Let's try."

I needed to come back to this example and instill meaning into it. We talked about how certain games and puzzles have strategies and that it take s a bit of time to learn the clues in order to be successful at solving them.

Don't be afraid to go back to a moment and mediate it further.

By the way, Burma was eventually found. (Leaving them in a place of success)

Criteria focus: Challenge

Piggy Bank Plan

This last week I set aside some time to do a ML activity with my middle daughter.

She will be five soon and loves arts and crafts.

With Mediated Learning, the more you mediate,

the easier it becomes to make it a part of your whole way of life.

But if you are just starting out, try setting aside half an hour and mediate a project with your child.

Today I wanted to work on Asking Questions and Goal Planning.

I had just finished paying the kids for their chores, when my daughter found an empty plastic jar and said, "Let's make a piggy bank for my coins!"

I was about to run and gather materials when I realized that we could make this a mediated moment. (INTENTIONALITY AND RECIPROCITY)

So, we sat down and developed a plan.

First I asked the question: What does a pig look like?

Once my daughter determined what a pig had as far as body parts, we moved onto the practical part of putting the pig together.

I asked, "What should we do first?"

She said, "Paint it pink."

"Then what?"

"Um," she thought, "Let's build the face.

I wrote that down then asked, "What should we do after that?"

"Poke a hole for the money!"

"Is that everything?"

"I think so."

"Well, we are going to paint the pig, make the face and then add a slot for the money. Sounds like a good plan. "

Then I went back to each individual step and mediated that:

"Step One is painting the pig. What will we need to paint the pig?"

She thought for a moment.

"Well, we'll need paint and a cloth to clean up spills."

"Yep. Does mom usually have you put something on the table?"

"Oh right. A newspaper."

"Anything else? Let's pretend we're painting, maybe that will remind us."

My daughter and I pretend to paint and then she recalls that we need water in a cup and we need paintbrushes.

With that step determined, we moved onto step 2. (see below after this picture)

Painting the pig body

Step 2 was make the pigs face.

She had already determined what a face was made of so I said,"What should we make the eyes out of?" We did this for each facial feature and wrote a list of materials to gather.

After that, we discussed Step 3.

Make the slot for the coins.

She decided that I should use the exacto knife to make the slot.

Then we went and gathered all our materials.

In the paint room, we saw a smock and realized that we hadn't thought of that part, but we were glad that the smock was with all our painting supplies.

Once the materials were gathered, she set to her task. She kept me informed as she progressed from one stage to the next. (Mom, I'm done the painting part. Come, see. or Mom, I just finished the nose, can you glue down the eyes for me?)

And, as you can see. It turned out great.

Afterwards, we talked about making the plan.

"Plans are really helpful, aren't they?"

She nods.

"Can you remember a time when we used a plan?"

She thought for a moment. "Yes, when we went to the beach with our friends. We made a list of things to pack in our bag so we could have everything we needed." (BRIDGING)

"That's right. Why do you think plans are helpful?"

"So we don't forget stuff."

"Yes. They also help us do things in order and when you do things in order it makes the job easier. Was it easy or hard to make your pig?" (MEANING)

"Easy."

"Right. Do you know why?"

"Because we made a plan."

"And we followed it step by step."

And that's how you make a piggy bank.

Criteria Focus: Goal planning.