Don't Let a Block(ed) Parent Drive the Bus

Being a Block(ed) Parent:

A book on Mediating Learning and Blocking

by 5minutemom

illustrated by: M* Will3ms

(with apologies to M* Will3ms and his fabulous book "D*n't Let the Pig3*n Drive the Bus!"

from where the illustrations have been taken from. Without permission.

I hope that's ok,

Maybe your next book can be called, "Don't let the blogger take photos of the bird".

Has kind of a best-seller ring to it, don't ya think?)

Dedicated to:

Parents everywhere who deal with a blocking attitude when instructing your child

&

to children everywhere who deal with parents who get blocked from your blocking attitude

FOREWORD:

This book is great!

I loved it and it changed my life.

Pretend to read this book with a British accent. It will add to the humour.

-anonymous important expert-like person

PREFACE:

This book is about working with your children when they have a Blocking Attitude. An attitude that clearly suggests that they aren't interested in learning.

Mediated Learning techniques can help you and your child move from a Blocked Attitude to an Attitude that is willing and ready to learn.

Often times, we, the parent, throw our hands in the air and say, "Let's just forget this right now!" when we encounter a blocking attitude.

tsk! tsk! That's not a very successful place to end things is it?

But what is to be done?

First, let's identify if you are, what I like to call, 'A Block(ed) Parent'.

No, I'm not referring to being a safe house for kids who are lost. I am referring to your attitude when you come up against a challenge.

A challenge that has your child saying to you, "This is dull (stupid, moronic-- or for you classical reader families--This is extremely tedious and non-sensical)"

How you RESPOND makes all the difference.

Let us begin our journey and discover if you are a Block(ed) Parent.

CHAPTER ONE: Have you done your math question yet?

The parent asks how math is going and the child grunts, puts down his pencil and mumbles something that closely resembles a noisy muffler on a car.

Parent asks, "What's wrong?"

They say,"I hate this. Why do we have to do math anyway? I want to go outside."

CHAPTER 2: Begging is what dogs do

Parent: Come on! Let's give it a go. None of this attitude today. Please try again.

Child: crosses arms and looks indifferent

Parent: Please.

CHAPTER 3: Two Can Play This Game

Parent (crossing arms and glaring): Son, you need to finish these questions before you go outside. Now, read the question out loud and we'll go from there.

Child feigns deafness.

CHAPTER 4: Motivational Techniques in a Nagging Form

Parent: Come on! I know you can do this! It wasn't that hard last week, so pull up the boot straps and get to work. We still have geography and history to cover.

CHAPTER 5: Desperate Homeschool Mom

Parent sinks to the low blow of bribing child to do work.

CHAPTER 6: Perhaps Increasing the Volume Will Help

Parent, losing their own self-regulation, starts to take out their frustration about the situation on the child (in a loud, yelling-ish tone): What's the big deal? Why can't you just do this so we can get on to geography!!!

CHAPTER 7: The Future Looks Bleak

Parent sees no hope for the situation and starts to imagine the worst possible future, doubting her own sanity and questioning if she can possibly homeschool for another day.

Thoughts of her child ending up unemployed and living at home when they are 35 flit across their mind.

CHAPTER 8: Meltdown

The parent loses it.

CHAPTER 9: Guilt sets in

Child is forgotten by parent. Parent starts to madly clean her house in order to deal with her high level of frustration over her child's lack of interest in math.

Parent is convinced that she is crazy for homeschooling and starts to question her sanity on a deeper level

I was once a parent like that.

I had meltdowns over math questions that went no where.

And if you have acted like that crazy ol' bird in the book, start over.

Here's how you get your chid to UNblock.

Ready....

drumroll.....

Ask questions.

In particular, ask Process Questions.

As you ask questions, watch to see which criteria is coming up.

Is your child afraid of a challenge? Do they need to self-regulate and focus?

Is it competence? Can you provide an optimistic alternative?

Can the problem being broken down into smaller pieces?

Is it lacking meaning for your child? Can you bridge to a past experience that relates to this one?

As you listen to your child, you will start to see where they are blocked in their learning.

Here's a tip.

Go back to their last success in this particular subject. Show them what they have done and how they can build on their last success with this challenge. Be willing to offer an optimistic alternative.

Most importantly, leave them in a place of success.

But whatever you do,

Don't Lose Your Cool and Become a Block(ed) Parent!

THE END

5 Ways to Stop Blocking in Learning

Every homeschooling parent runs into "blocking" at some point or another. For some of us, it's a daily run-in.

Here are some Mediated Learning methods you can use to stop a "blocking attitude" in learning. Whether Blocking takes on the form of "I hate this. I don't want to do this", pretend ignorance or silent refusal to move forward, here are 5 ways to get past a Block.

1. Why are you saying that?

Ask questions.

I know, I know. It's redundant of me to say it, because I say this all the time on my blog. But really, it is the foundation.

Ask questions.

Find out why they think they can't accomplish the task. Learn why they are so adamantly opposed to it.

Asking questions let's you get to the heart of the issue.

Sample questions:

Why are you saying that you hate this assignment?

What is the biggest challenge to this task?

Tell me what you understand about this? Can you tell me what doesn't make sense to you?

2. Be a Rapper

That is...break it down.

Ask the question, "Do you think that we could break this problem down into smaller parts?"

Rather than tackling the issue all at once, try grouping or chunking information together. Once the problem is in smaller pieces, tackle one piece at a time.

3. If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.- African Proverb

Offer an Optimistic Alternative. Moving forward is so much easier when someone is beside you.

Find a way to move forward together.

Suggestions:

Let's solve the biggest part of the problem together, and then you can handle the rest of it

How about I write for the first two minutes while you talk out loud?

This seems to be a challenge. Tell you what, let's go get something to drink and brainstorm some ideas to solve it.

4. If you can't take the Heat, Get out of the Kitchen...or the Living Room

Change your scenery.

Sometimes a change of scene, a deep breath of fresh air, or a visual vacation that lasts for two minutes is enough to calm the nerves and give new perspective.

Come back to the "ol' drawing board" and start again. Only this time, follow rule #1, and get to the heart of the issue.

5. Don't Keep it a Secret

Talk to your kids about Blocking. Tell them what blocking is. Ask them if they know how they typically block when they come to a crisis or problem.

Share with them what happens what Blocking looks like for you.

ie. A while back whenever I came to a problem or needed to make a decision, I would "block" by running around getting everyone's advice and tell everyone my problems. And while getting advice is good, I actually used this to delay making decisions and felt that if I made the wrong decision I could blame others for it. I had to learn to turn to God, and to trust His word to lead me and guide me. I also had to learn who I actually let speak into my life.

Be transparent about the ways you Block and handle stress or problems. Tell them about the skills that you've had to acquire to overcome blocking.

God doesn't expect perfection from us, but He does expects sincerity. Your children will be blessed to have the same.

There you have it. 5 ways you can get unstuck in your learning.

Add that to your toolbox!

Hi and welcome to my house...may I take your order

Drive thru talking, people!

It's all the rage at my house.

And when I say rage, I mean: I'm actually about to introduce it and I'm the only one stoked about it so far.

Drive thru talking is a communication technique that I learned about when I was dating my husband.

He sent me a video on how to communicate.

When we were dating.

It freaked me out. I thought I was dating a psychiatrist.

After my initial shock, I realized that the video had some really good things to say about communication.

And I realized that if my boyfriend was willing to commit to better communication, he fell into the "keeper" category.

So I married him.

And I have been trying to keep communication lines open since.

As I've been looking at various ways to strengthen my daughter's cognitive functions of Expressive Verbal Tools, as well as the Receptive Verbal Tools, drive thru talking is re-emerging as a handy little tool.

Drive thru talking is simple and easy to use (and if you call now, I'll throw in these steak knives for an additional $9.95. Did anybody else think that when I wrote "It's simple and easy to use"? No. Just me? OK)

Well, it's simple and easy to use.

Basically, you are practicing listening and talking to one another.

You repeat what the other person is saying in order to confirm that you heard correctly. Much like the do at a drive thru restaurant.

Hence the term: Drive thru talking.

Drive thru restaurants repeat your order to you because it's a quality control measure. It's their way of making sure you get the hamburger you ordered, instead of a fish stick that may have been in the back of the freezer for one month too long.

Let's take a look at an example that shows us what drive thru talking is not.

Here is a completely fictitious scenario from my marriage:

ME:Honey, can you pick up some milk when you are out? Love you, Bye. Have a great day.

MY MAN: Yeah. Love you too.

1 hour later

ME:Where's my milk?

MY MAN: ( a stunned look on his face and the overwhelming sense that he's missed something)

What milk?

ME: The milk. The milk I asked you to get when you went out. The milk you said, "yeah" to getting.

MY MAN: I don't remember that.

ME: ahhhhhhhhh!

That is an example of bad communication on my part.

It's completely fictitious. Never happened. Because, remember folks, I watched a video once about communicating over ten years ago. I'm a pro and don't make mistakes like that.

Here's how drive thru talking is really done:

Mom: Can you please take out the garbage?

Child: You want me to take out the garbage?

Mom: Yes, and please do it right away.

Child: I can take the garbage out right away.

Yeah! Success is achieved.

Good has been done here.

The garbage is going to be taken out and it's going to happen right away.

Why is this a good exercise for strengthening the Cognitive Functions regarding verbal tools?

Let's go over the points, shall we:

1. I said it is, and since I'm an expert in communication,

(remember, I once watched a video)

it's obvious that I'm right

2. It requires you and your child to FOCUS on what is being said.

When you instruct them and they have to repeat back to you what they've heard, you can determine if their INPUT Receptive Verbal Tools need strengthening. When you have them instruct you to do something, you can determine if their OUTPUT Expressive Verbal Tools need strengthening

3. Over 40 billion served makes a point (Get it? It's a fast food joke referencing Macdonald's restaurant. Did anyone else think that? No? Just me.... OK)

When using drive thru talking, focus on precision and accuracy. Stay away from generic words like:

that

stuff

thing

Opt for more specific terms like:

the catapult

your dryer lint collection

the mini-replica of the space station

And ask your child to do the same.

Precision!

Accuracy!

Now you say:

Accuracy!

Precision!

You know, as though you were practicing drive thru talking with me.

(Did anyone else get that? No? Just me...OK)

The Alien Who Does Chores Pt. 2

Click here to read part one of "The Alien Who Does Chores"

I've been working on strengthening the cognitive function of Expressive Verbal Tools in our family lately.

One way I have been doing this is by playing a game with my kids where I will do something with them but pretend I am an alien visiting earth and they have to instruct me in the human ways of doing certain tasks, games and chores. This requires them to use their verbal skills to tell me how do a task.

We're having a lot of fun learning together.

Here's the second half of doing the chores in our bathroom, where my eldest daughter instructs me in the ways of cleaning a toilet.

We go through the initial start up of finding a cloth and a spray to use for our job. Once supplies are handy, I ask, "What do I do?"

"Well, you spray the bottle."

I spray her.

"Mom! Why did you do that?"

"You told me to spray."

She gives me a little scowl. "Not funny, Mom."

"Ok. I apologize. I need specific instruction though. What do you want me to spray and clean?"

"The outside of the toilet."

"Where do I start?"

"There." She points at the toilet.

I explain that I don't understand hand gestures and that I need a full verbal explanation of what she means.

"This thing, right here." She points to the toilet lid, a bit exasperated.

"Does that part have a name?"

"I don't know what it's name is!" Her voice is annoyed and she's started to lose sight of the fun that can be had in this game.

"Oh. It's called the lid."

"Well, clean the lid then."

I stop with spray bottle in hand. "Are we going to ask nicely?"

She's tempted to roll her eyes. I can tell. "Pleassssssse."

I accomplish the job with panache and ask her what's next.

"You have to wash that part there."

We go through the task working on labelling 'this part'. It's called the 'tank'.

"Why do I need to do this?" I ask. I am searching for HER meaning behind this project.

"Because you told me to do it this way."

"Any other reason why it's good to do."

She shrugs. "Helps it get clean, I guess."

I finish my job and she asks me to do the top of the tank. It's a slow process as she is frustrated by explaining each part of the job. She directs me to wipe down the base of the toilet and I ask her what I should clean.

"Well, I usually just do this side, because I find it hard to do the other side."

(this is a bit of a revelation to me as I had be assuming that she was doing this part of the job. I am a bit shocked to find out that it is much dustier than it should be.)

"How come you haven't done the other side of the base?" I ask.

"Well, it's hard to get to it because that side is close to the bathtub, so I just don't do it."

"Hmmmm..." I say.

I do nothing at the moment, but later recognize that this fits into a pattern of avoiding Challenge.

Later on we'll talk about why it's important to finish a task all the way to the end. For now, I notice that her enthusiasm has waned significantly and she is no longer having fun with our task.

"Ok, captain, what do I do next?"

"Mom, how long are we doing this for?"

And with that, she's done. Bored and disengaged.

But I started this task and by gosh, we're going to finish it!

Ignoring her disconnection, I ask how to clean the remaining parts of the toilet. It goes about as well as a headache.

When the job is done. We're both relieved and leave each other and the bathroom to find something better to do.

I start to the task of vigorously washing down my kitchen table. It's been done already but cleaning makes my mind work best. I'm annoyed at myself and my failed attempt at Cognitive growth.

In the midst of scrubbing I realize several things:

1. I didn't explain the whole "Alien cleans the Bathroom" very well. With my five year old, I was very careful to explain what I was doing and why. With my eight year old, I gave her a bare bones description assuming that she had paid attention when I worked with her younger sister.

2. I sprayed her at the start to be funny, but since she didn't get the concept of why I was doing that, she just got annoyed and disengaged from the whole process.

3. I recognize that she had a hard time telling me what to do because certain terms (like tank and lid) weren't defined to her. Yet, I'm not sure if this is an accurate representation of her knowledge because she was disengaged and annoyed through the whole process. So I decide on another solution:

We'll try it again!

Only first we'll start with a task that she likes, and then we'll move back to this one.

Because it's important to do things in the "easy-hard" step-dance way. I'll do something that is easy for her (something that she loves) and then I will ask her to do something hard (something that is a challenge and she isn't especially affectionate towards).

I'll keep you posted and let you know how that goes!

Mediating CF receptive verbal tools, expressive verbal tools

The Alien who Does Chores Pt.1

...or working on Expressive Verbal Tools Cognitive Function

Today I decided to give my kids a treat.

I offered to do their bathroom chores. They were thrilled.

Of course, I had something in mind.

I told them that I was an alien from outer space and new to the customs of planet Earth.

I was willing to do their task for them but they would have to tell me exactly how to do it as I had no idea how to go about cleaning a toilet or washing out a sink.

First up was my youngest daughter, who giggled profusely at the thought of me being an alien.

I made a weird face and that helped her visualize it.

"First," she said, "you get the spray bottle."

"Where is it?" I asked.

"Oh, it's under the kitchen sink."

She's right. I fetch it and bring it back. "What's next?"

"You need to get a cloth."

"Where is it?"

"Under the kitchen sink?"

I sigh dramatically. "I was just there." I return with the cloth.

"Ok, now spray the sink."

So I do....even though there are some items on the sink that should be removed. But I am an alien and only following orders. I don't know anything about asking to remove the items.

"Wait! Wait!" she bellows. "You have to remove the soap container and my toothbrush."

I ask her where they go. She tells me and I follow my orders.

"Now, what do I do?"

She smiles, "Now, you spray."

I spray willy-nilly and get a little creative with my spraying.

"Stop! You need to spray here and here, like this."

I tell my commander that I don't understand demonstrated actions. I only understand words and she has to tell me exactly how to do the job.

"Oh." She thinks for a moment, then proceeds to give me a step by step instruction of how to spray the sink. She exchanges the word "here" for the correct label of "faucets" and "the outside of the sink" (we have a stand alone sink with no counter around it).

Once the spraying is done she informs me that I am to start the scrubbing of the sink.

"Pick up the cloth." Check.

"Wipe it." No Check.

"What's 'it'?" I ask.

She laughs, "Mom!"

"Whose this Mom? I am an alien. I don't know any Mom."

She giggles some more and then explains exactly how I am supposed to wipe out the sink using words and directions that this alien can understand.

"Good job," she pronounces. "now you are done."

"Yay!" I drop the cloth on the floor and head out the door.

"Wait! Come back."

I return.

"You have to put it away."

" 'I't what?" I ask

"It. The cloth! It goes in the laundry room when you are done with it."

I am looking for meaning, so I ask, "Why?"

"Because you are done cleaning with it. It has become dirty and germy and needs to get clean."

"Oh."

I put the cloth in the laundry room and return. I am informed that I must return the spray bottle to it's home under the kitchen sink.

I do.

Then my daughter gives me a hug and tells me that I clean pretty well for an alien.

****

Some thoughts:

When pursuing this activity, I was wanting to see if my daughter could give me the correct labels for words that she commonly called "this", "it" and "here".

*I didn't follow any actions that she tried to do in showing me how to clean the sink. I wanted her to verbally direct me on how to do the task.

*I was also looking to see how much she retained from the times I have taught her how to clean the sink. Did she remember all that I taught her? If not, was it because my training was poorly done or her ability to grab all the information is impaired?

*Could she provide me with HER meaning on why certain tasks were important to this job

*I wanted her to have fun as we looked at this cognitive function, and being a space alien made for a lot of laughs.

Battling Conflict the Mediated Way

Blocking Attitude

There have been a few issues in our house this week that have led to conflict.

My eldest is very expressive in her anger and it's not always demur, to say the least. While we're teaching her new ways to handle her anger and how to self-regulate, here is a scenario that might encourage you in your home.

Explosion of anger hits me in the heart and I'm staring into the hardened eyes of my eight year old.

I take a calming breath. This is the behaviour we are working through as a family.

Anger.

I've modelled it and now it's out performing me.

Sow to to wind, reap the whirlwind, so to speak.

"Calm down and tell me why you are so angry."

"No." The angst in the eyebrows tells me she means it.

I remember to employ a few things some counselor friends have taught me:

I sit down BESIDE my child. We sit shoulder to shoulder to talk together, not across from each other on different sides.

I take my child's hand.

This is sending an important message. It says," I care more about our relationship, than I do about this argument."

She tries to pull free.

"Please talk to me," I ask softly. "Why are you so angry?"

Her chest heaves a few times, and I pray that she will open her heart to me.

She starts slowly, "You aren't listening to me. That's why I'm yelling at you and talking rude. You aren't listening to me." (Intentionality and Reciprocity)

I know what that feels like. I think through our morning. I have been a bit demanding. I've made two changes in her sphere of living and didn't give her time to adjust. This isn't about obedience--this is about truly caring about what is important to her.

I pull her close and tenderly say, "I know what that feels like. It's hard isn't it when no one seems to be listening. I felt like that this morning during chore time. Do you remember me sayng, 'You guys aren't listening.' " (Bridging)

She nods against my chest.

"I am sorry for not listening to you. Will you forgive me? I really value what you have to say. Your ideas matter to me. Your thoughts are important to me. Why don't you tell me what you wanted to say about this change."

She relays her concerns. Concerns that I had written off as unimportant because I was hurrying to get through the task. Concerns that I brushed to the side and labelled as "stalling."

She apologizes for her negative behaviour and tries hard not to roll her eyes when she hears her consequence.

"Well, we do need to finish this task, and I think we can come up with a way to work together to solve it. Do you have any different ideas?" (Optimistic Alternative)

We think things through and come up with three possible solutions. I whittle away one of them for time sake and let her pick between the two. I talk about the MEANING of our task and how it will help us function more efficiently in our home.

After some consideration, she picks a solution and we work together on it...side by side.